On Dec 15th, I found out I was pregnant. I didn't tell a whole lot of people because I had already had a miscarriage in July, so I wanted to wait untill I was closer to being out of the first trimester. I think I honestly thought that, 'I already had a miscarriage, this pregnancy is safe. It'll be fine.' We thought about names and told Jaxon he was going to be a big brother. Yesterday, I found out I had another miscarriage. I've been numb, angry, confused, and distraught, sometimes all at the same time since then. What's wrong with me? I had a normal pregnancy and gave birth to a healthy baby boy in 2009, so why now? Why am I having problems carrying a child now? I'm so angry at God that I don't know what to do with myself. I trusted Him. How could He let me down again? I know eventually I'll move past this and get over my anger but I feel like I deserve this time now.
But where do I go from here?
I'm trying to stay busy, not deal with it, not think about it. I feel like I failed at my job of being a mom. My body failed me and if and when I get pregnant again I'll spend the whole first 13 weeks in a state of panic, waiting for that first sign of blood, expecting it. Where's the joy in that? Where's the excitement and buzz about the new baby? I don't even know if I'll tell my family untill I'm out of the first trimester just so that if I have another one, their hopes aren't shot down too. I look at Jaxon and I am so unbelievably thankful for him. Is it wrong for me to want another one, should I just be happy with what I have? I have so many questions that I will, more than likely, never know the answers to. I feel like an idiot, I was so naive to think this wouldn't happen again to me.
And then I think, 'It could be so much worse.'
I could not have a baby yet at all. I could have lost the baby when I was about to deliver and had a stillborn. I could have lost the baby just a few short weeks after to SIDS. I understand that my situation is not the worst one but I need my time to grieve. I lost my child. One I did not get to meet. I've lost two children. I could have been a part of a family of 5 at this point. The sono tech told me there's a shot or pill I can take that would make my uterus stronger, so it would hold the baby there through the first trimester. I don't really know how I feel about that. But, I guess if I want another baby I'll have to try everything I can.
So where do I go from here?
I hope up. I hope that things will get better, that the hurt will lighten, and one day I'll bring home another baby. But until that day, I won't give up on my hope. God and I may be arguing right now, but I still love Him, and He still loves me. So, I have to have hope...at the very least to get me to the next day.
