On Dec 15th, I found out I was pregnant. I didn't tell a whole lot of people because I had already had a miscarriage in July, so I wanted to wait untill I was closer to being out of the first trimester. I think I honestly thought that, 'I already had a miscarriage, this pregnancy is safe. It'll be fine.' We thought about names and told Jaxon he was going to be a big brother. Yesterday, I found out I had another miscarriage. I've been numb, angry, confused, and distraught, sometimes all at the same time since then. What's wrong with me? I had a normal pregnancy and gave birth to a healthy baby boy in 2009, so why now? Why am I having problems carrying a child now? I'm so angry at God that I don't know what to do with myself. I trusted Him. How could He let me down again? I know eventually I'll move past this and get over my anger but I feel like I deserve this time now.
But where do I go from here?
I'm trying to stay busy, not deal with it, not think about it. I feel like I failed at my job of being a mom. My body failed me and if and when I get pregnant again I'll spend the whole first 13 weeks in a state of panic, waiting for that first sign of blood, expecting it. Where's the joy in that? Where's the excitement and buzz about the new baby? I don't even know if I'll tell my family untill I'm out of the first trimester just so that if I have another one, their hopes aren't shot down too. I look at Jaxon and I am so unbelievably thankful for him. Is it wrong for me to want another one, should I just be happy with what I have? I have so many questions that I will, more than likely, never know the answers to. I feel like an idiot, I was so naive to think this wouldn't happen again to me.
And then I think, 'It could be so much worse.'
I could not have a baby yet at all. I could have lost the baby when I was about to deliver and had a stillborn. I could have lost the baby just a few short weeks after to SIDS. I understand that my situation is not the worst one but I need my time to grieve. I lost my child. One I did not get to meet. I've lost two children. I could have been a part of a family of 5 at this point. The sono tech told me there's a shot or pill I can take that would make my uterus stronger, so it would hold the baby there through the first trimester. I don't really know how I feel about that. But, I guess if I want another baby I'll have to try everything I can.
So where do I go from here?
I hope up. I hope that things will get better, that the hurt will lighten, and one day I'll bring home another baby. But until that day, I won't give up on my hope. God and I may be arguing right now, but I still love Him, and He still loves me. So, I have to have hope...at the very least to get me to the next day.
i am so sorry to hear this Marly. there is nothing i can say that will give you any answers but perhaps i will be able to share some comfort. yoiu are a womderful person with a sweet spirit who is one of the best candidates for motherhood that i know. jaxon is very blessed to have you as his mother. and you are all the more blessed to have him as your son. but even though you are blessed with him, there is absolutely no reason notto want another baby to enrich your life even more. your feelimgs pf upset and anger over this are normal-i'd feel the same way. i will pray that you will be stromg through your grieving process and will have the strength to try again- and have a sense of peace the next time without the stress of worry.
ReplyDeleteThanks so much Lisa, I really appreciate your kind words and prayers.
ReplyDeleteMarly, I know how you feel. But all my miscarriages were before Brett - the first was the worst, at 13 weeks - hospitalized due to hemoraging. Of course, on the maternity ward. The second was right before Christmas the next year. I had a sonogram a week or 2 earlier, and knew it was coming. Interestingly, I can barely remember the third - I can't even tell you what time of year it was. I have just blanked that out. I realized that at the Compassionate Friends candlelight, when I prayed for my unborn children, but could not verbalize that. Then, after several years of "barrenness", I got pregnant. You bet = we told NO ONE, except my parents, until past the first tri-mester. My mother-in-law did not want to come to my baby shower, at about 7 months pregnant - in case I should lose that one, too. I did not fret once I got past the first 3 months. I also never got pregnant again - not necessarily our plan. Brett is so very special to us, and I have no regrets about him being an only child. You just hang in there, and don't give up on God. Keep talking to Him!! ---Janet H.
ReplyDeleteThank you Janet for your words of wisdom and encouragement. Brett is a great kid, and I know y'all are so proud of him. Thank you again.
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